The Derby-Life Metaphor

I've learned a few things about life from the mighty sport of Roller Derby. I'm a sharing kind of person:



1. Tap into your inner mongrel to protect the people you love

On the track, this is your jammer. In life, this is your partner, your family, your friends; the-rock-solid-been-through-thick-and-thin-friends, not-your-have-a-laugh-over-a-beer friends. That's an important bit, you can't protect everyone in derby or life. Prioritise.

I was taught to be a nice girl. In fact, my mother taught me that being nice and being considerate of others was the single most important quality I could embody as a child.
I agree that this is true most of the time, in most situations, and old habits are hard to break.  However,  I'm never going to be a decent player if I'm worried about the other team liking me. And leaving my team-mates open to be smashed isn't a very nice thing to do. So I'm learning how to not be nice, to hit back- legally, at the right time, and with calculated outcomes.  Never in anger ('cause that ain't nice).

I'm in the pink!

*NB I have a wee theory about derby girls: the hardest hitters have the biggest hearts. I'm trying to grow my heart.

2. Get happy. No one wants to hang out with a downer.

Some days we skate better than others but let us try to cut down on the audio-version of our miserable, self-deprecating inner monologues. Please.  Rumination isn't healthy for anyone.

Next time I hear a girl say, "I'm soooo bad today.", I'm going to tell her to stop criticizing my friend. And hopefully next time I get sent to the penalty box, the cloud of shame will only last the minute that the refs have given me.  Sport and life are punishing enough without you ganging up on yourself.

Let it go and try to have a good time! And if you're not having a good time, try to fake it 'til you make it.

3. Ground compliments reality

Everyone likes to be told that they are awesome but I think it's important to qualify that kind of comment.  To qualify it sets up realistic expectations, realistic egos and proves that the praise isn't just lip-service.

At training the other night, Ana Phylaxis of Dunedin Derby was teaching me how to surge. She swept in front of me, sat on my quad and forced me, seemingly effortlessly, off the track. Then it was my turn.

Phlax is second from the left

I awkwardly veered towards her, kinda got in front of her, made contact and tried to herd her out of bounds. I knew it was nothing like she'd done to me and it would have been insulting/a boldfaced lie if she'd said, "That was great."

She didn't.

Phlax said, "That was alright for a first time, you just gotta get the timing. It took me ages to get the timing.  You'll get there."

Phlax was positive, accurate, trustworthy, forward focused and most importantly, I believed her.

It reminded me of my 7 year old who often says something like, "8 plus 4 is 12. I'm so right. Am I a genius?"

"No," I chose to pop the bubble, "but you're very clever and if you keep practising you might be one day."

It is important that I'm honest, so he trusts my compliments now and in the future.

Derby is bruising me up, giving me a break from parenting, and teaching me how to parent better.

4. Talent = Time Spent

May Maim, Primm Reaper, Rocket Queen

No one expects Freshmeat to be an expert at derby. League Girls just expect some effort and some improvement.   I've been told that I'll probably play 100 games before I even know what's happening on the track (only 94 to go...).  I have made peace with the fact that I'm not very good...yet.

When I was at school, I thought I was good at some subjects and bad at others.  And I was. Somethings are and somethings aren't. Very philosophical but I didn't recognise why.

The key is that I spent a lot more time on some subjects than others.  I read novels, watched movies, aruged with my parents, spent hours talking to my friends on the phone (whoa- showing my age there!).  This time spent on my hobbies all honed my skills for the lucrative subjects of English Literature and undergraduate Psychology.

"Time on skates" is the advice every League Girl will pass on to Freshmeat.  I'm starting to take this pretty seriously.  I put my skates on to make a salad.  I do 20 squats every time I brush my teeth.  I go to training two nights a week and then play around on the court on a Sunday afternoon. I watch youtube clips.  I practice "opening the buffet" on the fence at the park.  Little things but something is better than nothing.

Malcolm Gladwell coined the 10, 000 hours first but here I am finding myself trying to execute it.  Derby is so cool, it has made me a total geek. Top tip: Life is more fun when you're a geek.

5. Ah, the endorphins!

That's it. Life is better with exercise. It alarms me how often I have to rediscover this.

So, a big THANK YOU to the sport of Roller Derby!

Fight.

Fight to enjoy life.

My grandmother is 88. She lives alone. She's still kicking and whenever some person says, "isn't that great?" my Dad is careful to point out that, "she works at it."

 My grandmother is of a generation that didn't pursue happiness as the point of life. Happiness is besides the point.My grandmother lives well; the byproduct of her effort is that she enjoys life. But she works at it.

Enjoying life, like most things, is a choice followed by action. It requires discipline and practice. Enjoying life is not always easy but surely it is a better way to live.I feel there's a growing apathy about life in our culture. It's too hard, and it's nothing like the movies! We underrate the value our life adds to the lives of others. When did opting out of life become an option?How do we fight? Well, based on the life of Audrey Buckingham, this is what I have surmised:

1. Excercise. A walk and a bit of fresh air gives perspective, new sensory experience and most importantly an endorphin kick.

2. Be self indulgent once in a while. Eat an entire batch of fudge in bed while re-reading a good book. Or in AB's case, nurse a glass of rum while reading the Guardian cover to cover.

3. Never turn down an invitation. Socializing is one of life's greatest gifts. Even if you don't want to, say yes and turn up. Even dressing up and venturing out for 5 minutes and going home is better than feeling the "meh" and caving to the apathy and staying home.

4. Eat meals. Even if it's just for one. Sit down.

5. Get a hobby. Do something with zeal, preferably something which connects you to other people to help fuel the passion. AB and my grandfather, before he died, were avid horse riders. They used to dress up in red jackets and chasing hounds who were chasing concentrated fox urine which had been imported from Scotland.  My grandmother had hung up her stirrups but rain or shine, she drives out to follow the hunt on a Saturday and have an after match drink with the people who do what she does.

These things may not be enjoyable at the time but we're playing the long game here and it will help you enjoy life. If you aren't enjoying life, chances are its stopping the people who love you from enjoying too, you selfish bastard.

Optimism for Beginners

Feel the joy of the perky morning people.

Optimism (noun)- the expectation that perhaps the worst will not happen, understanding that Murphy is a name not a law, the belief that good things happen, hopefulness

I will not sell why you should try on optimism.  I will merely offer a suggestion of how to try on optimism if you so choose.

Here's the game plan:

Fake it 'til you make it.  In all situations working with others or yourself, there are 3 go-to phrases. I highly recommend you memorise them or write them on the back of your hand for reference. I once wrote them down and folded them up to put in the front pocket of a high school student's uniform shirt.

If things go well, say this out loud (aloud?) to someone or yourself:

1. Good job.

If things aren't going particularly well, say:

2. That's a shame. Let's try again.

If things have gone quite badly:

3. Ah well, at least nobody died. Let's try again.

If someone has died, this blog post might not be for you.

So to recap the positivity phrases:


1. Good job.
2. That's a shame. Let's try again.
3. Ah well, at least nobody died. Let's try it again.


Say one.  Say all three.  I don't care if you're lying.  Say it anyway.  Commit to trying on optimism for 30 days. It might change how you feel or think.  It should foster positive working relationships.

Some people use cynicism and criticism to demonstrate their intelligence.  I do not. I am not dumb. I am an optimist. I chose to be an optimist. Sometimes, it takes a bit of effort. Eventually, I want to train up my optimism military boot camp style to aspire to Henry Rollins':

Welcome to the team!

Take the victim hat off

Don't be the victim. Even if you are a victim, don't accept to play the role of victim. Or at least, don't be one for long.  While there are some advantages to allowing yourself to be the victim, in the long term there is one indisputable disadvantage:


Helplessness.


Helplessness is a deplorable and harmful quality.  A sense of helplessness is the seed of a lot of bad choices (while simultaneously believing there was no choice).  What was I supposed to... I can't... You made me... Well, that's just how I feel... No... No... No... I didn't mean... It just that always...


Helplessness is not going to help you to get the good stuff out of life.  Not in the slightest (and yes, it is your job to get the goods out of life). When engaged with being the victim, a certain power is relinquished.  The power to change your outcome; change how you choose to react.  And I get that sometimes it is easier to surrender to victim-hood than try to reconcile the mucky world we live in and the darkness of the human heart with our tv and moral expectations of how it should have been. Easier but not a better way to live.


A lot of workplaces are stressful. Many relationships end badly.  People do shitty things. Sometimes people do shitty things to you (more often with a self-involved attempt to meet their own needs and insecurities without considering the unintended consequences rather than malicious intent). The best thing for you to do is to enable an ability to enjoy life again anyway; despite the crap.  In order to do that, you have to decide you don't want to be the victim any more. 


If what has happened to you is so colossally bad you cannot get past it (which is not really what I'm talking about* but fair enough, we know all the 6 o'clock horror stories), then choose what you will be a victim about and when, and don't allow the role to seep into your good relationships or the attitude with which you approach the world. You need to compartmentalise the fuck out of that victim hat.


If a label doesn't make you happy or at least put you on the road to happy, don't wear it.

We have all been victims to varying degrees. We are not all victims. You don't have to be one any more if you don't want to be.

*Reminder: This is advice for only people who want it. And this is the about victims of everyday work politics, irritating neighbours, bad luck, ancient history and parking enforcement officers. I have no qualifications to advise on the serious stuff.