RMC: Reluctant Mothers Club

Motherhood has been the single most challenging, self-altering, life-hijacking metamorphosis of my life.   I'm not saying it hasn't been worth it. It has. It is.  I am saying to the people who sell motherhood from conception as a joyful life of blue skies and a cure all for sad days to shove it.  You are not doing anyone any favours.  Let's get real, folks.

1.  Pregnancy isn't that much fun!

The Glow. I actually had a colleague tell me I was blossoming. I had my boss tell me that I looked incredibly peaceful and relaxed.  People are full of shit.  I have felt hungover for 6 and a half weeks.  Not even MacDonald's helps.  (Though, these did.) And I keep not being able to do the things I want to do (ie. eat raw salmon, play roller derby, see friends, drink a large glass of sav. on a Friday). Anything after 8pm is a bust.  Annoying.

As a friend of mine said recently, "It's hard to connect with something that makes you feel tired and ill, right?" 

After being a super independent kind of person, being hijacked by a fig-size human was a rude limitation on my life. MY life. (Of course, now I'm pretty happy to have created one of my favourite human beings to hang out with and force her to do things I like to do with me.)

Then the biological sexism kicks in.  Me and my partner are having a kid.  His life didn't seem to change at all at first.  My job, boobs, exercise, sleep patterns, cheese habits, morning coffees, friendships, clothing, favourite foods and ability to not cry during bad movies all changed.

“A woman becomes a mother when she becomes pregnant. A man becomes a father when he first holds his child.”


The Upside:
Pregnancy, I found, was like a really long, strict training schedule. It's tiring, uncomfortable, it is so so so long but it changed how I felt about my body for the better. Healthier.  Look at what it can do! Look at what it made!

2.  Child birth. Nuff said.

The most natural thing a woman can do...Really?! It wasn't for me.  And when the tie comes for me to do it again, I'm going to do whatever is in my power to get ALL THE DRUGS ready for my arrival next time. (I'd love the woman from Hyperbole and a Half to illustrate that for me.)

The Upside:
It's only a day.  Or two. Seriously not worth stressing about.

3. Feeding your baby is a fulltime job that doesn't pay very well.

Sitting on your ass for hours and hours a day.  Get some boxset dvds. And a bottle of water.  If you're breastfeeding, this means you literally have a being suckling at your body (YOUR body) for hours a day. Breast or bottle, your arms will get tired.

The Upside:
I kept a human being alive. That's pretty cool.

4. As it turns out, not every mother is really a baby person.

Cute but that doesn't fill a day

I wasn't.  This shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did.  I like conversation.  Babies don't talk much.  I like sleep. Babies don't respect adult sleep patterns much.

The Upside:
Babies aren't babies for long. Babies turn into interesting, bossy little two year olds with opinions about food, what they should wear and the weather. And while they are babies, you can pretty much strap them in/on and go anywhere.



5. Hormones + Being put in charge of a human life + Forever = Stressful


Emotional wrecked.  I, before my first pregnancy, prided myself on being a rational and intelligent being (I have since managed to reclaim some but not all of this former sense).  The following quote pretty much sums it up:

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone

The Upside:
If my heart is walking around, then I am EVERYWHERE!  I always wanted to be everywhere!  This new vulnerability means I'm also a much less judgemental, less selfish, less restless person.  Peaceful, even?? Well, maybe for a moment after the kids are in bed.

5. Change is hard.

Pregnancy, babies and children are a moveable feast.  Anytime I feel I've nailed a routine or understand a phase...there's it goes.

The Upside:
Life is a moveable feast. Better to have more guests at the table.

x

Photo by Thomas

How to Make Friends

Disclaimer: I do not claim to be an expert. I have moved country 4 times and moved cities 11 times. As a former Navy-brat, I am well experienced at finding the good peeps.  The quality of my friends indicates I am doing something right. The following are tried and true!

1. Steel yourself. Not everyone likes cheese.

The Queen, apparently, doesn't like cheese.

I am not everyone's ideal friend and you aren't either. There is going to be some rejection. However, I hearken back to the wise words the Canadian über writer, Margaret Atwood. I believe she was discussing her writing but the sentiment applies. "Not everyone likes cheese." Cheese is creamy deliciousness which goes well with wine. Some people don't like cheese. This does not mean cheese is not a fatty, delicious gift from cows (and dairy farmers).

Margaret Atwood, clearly, loves cheese.

2. It's a numbers game.

Think of friend finding as jeans shopping. Try on EVERY cut. You cannot tell whether they suit you if they are on the rack. Theory friendship and practical application of friendship are entirely separate. So you need to apply a person to you and your life to see how they fit.

No prejudging on clothing, age, make-up, job. You don't know. I have been classic for assuming I can't be friends with girls who wear make-up (because I can't be bothered to). However, now that I'm over 30, most women wear make-up. So I really need to let go of what I think these women may think of me.

Important note: I have always bonded easily with men who wear make-up. David Bowie in the "Labyrinth", anyone?

3. Shared experience.

A coffee date is a lot of pressure. Very popular in N. America but spilling your guts over caffeine to an almost stranger is not how most countries roll. Give yourself something neutral to talk about.

Over the years I have made friends while rowing, at Stitch'n'Bitch, in yoga classes, at netball (worst sporting experience ever), volunteer coaching, shopping, training for a half marathon walk, aqua jogging, carpooling, at Ladies' Tea, gestating, singing (off key) in a choir, at pregnancy yoga (getting knocked up is a solid way to meet new people), running, getting a bikini wax, learning to draw, learning French (speakers of foreign tongues make awesome new friends), taking a tai chi course with old people and taking up Roller Derby (it's amazing how much hitting a bitch bonds you).

Dunedin Derby

I did not love all of these activities. I didn't even like some of them, but that's not the point!

4. Don't wait for an invitation. Create an invitation.

And lots of people are waiting on one.

When I set up my local Stitch'n'Bitch, I invited more than twenty people.  A year later, there is a solid 5 of us who meet once a month. So, do the Maths.  There is less than a quarter hit rate who stuck around. A quality quarter!

I pushed Friday drinks at work for years! It involved a lot of middle aged men and talking about mountain biking (which I have little interest in). I had a great ski house to stay at, garden veggies delivered to my work, people to eat lunch with everyday and a lot of wedding guests.  And these guys have cool kids who are artists, world travellers and fashion designers my age who may, one day, also be my friends.

Open Walking dates. I've done this a few times. Make a weekly starting time and place. Some weeks some people will come, others they won't. Make it a flat track. A standing, no pressure, open invitation is one of the least intimidating opportunities in the social world. And if once in a while you're on your own, at least you can commune with nature for a bit!

There are some exceptionally good places to walk in my adoptive country.

5. Be your own best friend.

My Dad has always said this. A friend once told me she thought this was incredibly sad. I disagree. My Dad is not particularly social but he's content, likeable and has a few quality peeps. It's important that you rate your own company if you expect others to!

Good luck and happy friending!