How to Make Friends

Disclaimer: I do not claim to be an expert. I have moved country 4 times and moved cities 11 times. As a former Navy-brat, I am well experienced at finding the good peeps.  The quality of my friends indicates I am doing something right. The following are tried and true!

1. Steel yourself. Not everyone likes cheese.

The Queen, apparently, doesn't like cheese.

I am not everyone's ideal friend and you aren't either. There is going to be some rejection. However, I hearken back to the wise words the Canadian über writer, Margaret Atwood. I believe she was discussing her writing but the sentiment applies. "Not everyone likes cheese." Cheese is creamy deliciousness which goes well with wine. Some people don't like cheese. This does not mean cheese is not a fatty, delicious gift from cows (and dairy farmers).

Margaret Atwood, clearly, loves cheese.

2. It's a numbers game.

Think of friend finding as jeans shopping. Try on EVERY cut. You cannot tell whether they suit you if they are on the rack. Theory friendship and practical application of friendship are entirely separate. So you need to apply a person to you and your life to see how they fit.

No prejudging on clothing, age, make-up, job. You don't know. I have been classic for assuming I can't be friends with girls who wear make-up (because I can't be bothered to). However, now that I'm over 30, most women wear make-up. So I really need to let go of what I think these women may think of me.

Important note: I have always bonded easily with men who wear make-up. David Bowie in the "Labyrinth", anyone?

3. Shared experience.

A coffee date is a lot of pressure. Very popular in N. America but spilling your guts over caffeine to an almost stranger is not how most countries roll. Give yourself something neutral to talk about.

Over the years I have made friends while rowing, at Stitch'n'Bitch, in yoga classes, at netball (worst sporting experience ever), volunteer coaching, shopping, training for a half marathon walk, aqua jogging, carpooling, at Ladies' Tea, gestating, singing (off key) in a choir, at pregnancy yoga (getting knocked up is a solid way to meet new people), running, getting a bikini wax, learning to draw, learning French (speakers of foreign tongues make awesome new friends), taking a tai chi course with old people and taking up Roller Derby (it's amazing how much hitting a bitch bonds you).

Dunedin Derby

I did not love all of these activities. I didn't even like some of them, but that's not the point!

4. Don't wait for an invitation. Create an invitation.

And lots of people are waiting on one.

When I set up my local Stitch'n'Bitch, I invited more than twenty people.  A year later, there is a solid 5 of us who meet once a month. So, do the Maths.  There is less than a quarter hit rate who stuck around. A quality quarter!

I pushed Friday drinks at work for years! It involved a lot of middle aged men and talking about mountain biking (which I have little interest in). I had a great ski house to stay at, garden veggies delivered to my work, people to eat lunch with everyday and a lot of wedding guests.  And these guys have cool kids who are artists, world travellers and fashion designers my age who may, one day, also be my friends.

Open Walking dates. I've done this a few times. Make a weekly starting time and place. Some weeks some people will come, others they won't. Make it a flat track. A standing, no pressure, open invitation is one of the least intimidating opportunities in the social world. And if once in a while you're on your own, at least you can commune with nature for a bit!

There are some exceptionally good places to walk in my adoptive country.

5. Be your own best friend.

My Dad has always said this. A friend once told me she thought this was incredibly sad. I disagree. My Dad is not particularly social but he's content, likeable and has a few quality peeps. It's important that you rate your own company if you expect others to!

Good luck and happy friending!

Fight.

Fight to enjoy life.

My grandmother is 88. She lives alone. She's still kicking and whenever some person says, "isn't that great?" my Dad is careful to point out that, "she works at it."

 My grandmother is of a generation that didn't pursue happiness as the point of life. Happiness is besides the point.My grandmother lives well; the byproduct of her effort is that she enjoys life. But she works at it.

Enjoying life, like most things, is a choice followed by action. It requires discipline and practice. Enjoying life is not always easy but surely it is a better way to live.I feel there's a growing apathy about life in our culture. It's too hard, and it's nothing like the movies! We underrate the value our life adds to the lives of others. When did opting out of life become an option?How do we fight? Well, based on the life of Audrey Buckingham, this is what I have surmised:

1. Excercise. A walk and a bit of fresh air gives perspective, new sensory experience and most importantly an endorphin kick.

2. Be self indulgent once in a while. Eat an entire batch of fudge in bed while re-reading a good book. Or in AB's case, nurse a glass of rum while reading the Guardian cover to cover.

3. Never turn down an invitation. Socializing is one of life's greatest gifts. Even if you don't want to, say yes and turn up. Even dressing up and venturing out for 5 minutes and going home is better than feeling the "meh" and caving to the apathy and staying home.

4. Eat meals. Even if it's just for one. Sit down.

5. Get a hobby. Do something with zeal, preferably something which connects you to other people to help fuel the passion. AB and my grandfather, before he died, were avid horse riders. They used to dress up in red jackets and chasing hounds who were chasing concentrated fox urine which had been imported from Scotland.  My grandmother had hung up her stirrups but rain or shine, she drives out to follow the hunt on a Saturday and have an after match drink with the people who do what she does.

These things may not be enjoyable at the time but we're playing the long game here and it will help you enjoy life. If you aren't enjoying life, chances are its stopping the people who love you from enjoying too, you selfish bastard.

Optimism for Beginners

Feel the joy of the perky morning people.

Optimism (noun)- the expectation that perhaps the worst will not happen, understanding that Murphy is a name not a law, the belief that good things happen, hopefulness

I will not sell why you should try on optimism.  I will merely offer a suggestion of how to try on optimism if you so choose.

Here's the game plan:

Fake it 'til you make it.  In all situations working with others or yourself, there are 3 go-to phrases. I highly recommend you memorise them or write them on the back of your hand for reference. I once wrote them down and folded them up to put in the front pocket of a high school student's uniform shirt.

If things go well, say this out loud (aloud?) to someone or yourself:

1. Good job.

If things aren't going particularly well, say:

2. That's a shame. Let's try again.

If things have gone quite badly:

3. Ah well, at least nobody died. Let's try again.

If someone has died, this blog post might not be for you.

So to recap the positivity phrases:


1. Good job.
2. That's a shame. Let's try again.
3. Ah well, at least nobody died. Let's try it again.


Say one.  Say all three.  I don't care if you're lying.  Say it anyway.  Commit to trying on optimism for 30 days. It might change how you feel or think.  It should foster positive working relationships.

Some people use cynicism and criticism to demonstrate their intelligence.  I do not. I am not dumb. I am an optimist. I chose to be an optimist. Sometimes, it takes a bit of effort. Eventually, I want to train up my optimism military boot camp style to aspire to Henry Rollins':

Welcome to the team!

Take the victim hat off

Don't be the victim. Even if you are a victim, don't accept to play the role of victim. Or at least, don't be one for long.  While there are some advantages to allowing yourself to be the victim, in the long term there is one indisputable disadvantage:


Helplessness.


Helplessness is a deplorable and harmful quality.  A sense of helplessness is the seed of a lot of bad choices (while simultaneously believing there was no choice).  What was I supposed to... I can't... You made me... Well, that's just how I feel... No... No... No... I didn't mean... It just that always...


Helplessness is not going to help you to get the good stuff out of life.  Not in the slightest (and yes, it is your job to get the goods out of life). When engaged with being the victim, a certain power is relinquished.  The power to change your outcome; change how you choose to react.  And I get that sometimes it is easier to surrender to victim-hood than try to reconcile the mucky world we live in and the darkness of the human heart with our tv and moral expectations of how it should have been. Easier but not a better way to live.


A lot of workplaces are stressful. Many relationships end badly.  People do shitty things. Sometimes people do shitty things to you (more often with a self-involved attempt to meet their own needs and insecurities without considering the unintended consequences rather than malicious intent). The best thing for you to do is to enable an ability to enjoy life again anyway; despite the crap.  In order to do that, you have to decide you don't want to be the victim any more. 


If what has happened to you is so colossally bad you cannot get past it (which is not really what I'm talking about* but fair enough, we know all the 6 o'clock horror stories), then choose what you will be a victim about and when, and don't allow the role to seep into your good relationships or the attitude with which you approach the world. You need to compartmentalise the fuck out of that victim hat.


If a label doesn't make you happy or at least put you on the road to happy, don't wear it.

We have all been victims to varying degrees. We are not all victims. You don't have to be one any more if you don't want to be.

*Reminder: This is advice for only people who want it. And this is the about victims of everyday work politics, irritating neighbours, bad luck, ancient history and parking enforcement officers. I have no qualifications to advise on the serious stuff.