RMC: Reluctant Mothers Club

Motherhood has been the single most challenging, self-altering, life-hijacking metamorphosis of my life.   I'm not saying it hasn't been worth it. It has. It is.  I am saying to the people who sell motherhood from conception as a joyful life of blue skies and a cure all for sad days to shove it.  You are not doing anyone any favours.  Let's get real, folks.

1.  Pregnancy isn't that much fun!

The Glow. I actually had a colleague tell me I was blossoming. I had my boss tell me that I looked incredibly peaceful and relaxed.  People are full of shit.  I have felt hungover for 6 and a half weeks.  Not even MacDonald's helps.  (Though, these did.) And I keep not being able to do the things I want to do (ie. eat raw salmon, play roller derby, see friends, drink a large glass of sav. on a Friday). Anything after 8pm is a bust.  Annoying.

As a friend of mine said recently, "It's hard to connect with something that makes you feel tired and ill, right?" 

After being a super independent kind of person, being hijacked by a fig-size human was a rude limitation on my life. MY life. (Of course, now I'm pretty happy to have created one of my favourite human beings to hang out with and force her to do things I like to do with me.)

Then the biological sexism kicks in.  Me and my partner are having a kid.  His life didn't seem to change at all at first.  My job, boobs, exercise, sleep patterns, cheese habits, morning coffees, friendships, clothing, favourite foods and ability to not cry during bad movies all changed.

“A woman becomes a mother when she becomes pregnant. A man becomes a father when he first holds his child.”


The Upside:
Pregnancy, I found, was like a really long, strict training schedule. It's tiring, uncomfortable, it is so so so long but it changed how I felt about my body for the better. Healthier.  Look at what it can do! Look at what it made!

2.  Child birth. Nuff said.

The most natural thing a woman can do...Really?! It wasn't for me.  And when the tie comes for me to do it again, I'm going to do whatever is in my power to get ALL THE DRUGS ready for my arrival next time. (I'd love the woman from Hyperbole and a Half to illustrate that for me.)

The Upside:
It's only a day.  Or two. Seriously not worth stressing about.

3. Feeding your baby is a fulltime job that doesn't pay very well.

Sitting on your ass for hours and hours a day.  Get some boxset dvds. And a bottle of water.  If you're breastfeeding, this means you literally have a being suckling at your body (YOUR body) for hours a day. Breast or bottle, your arms will get tired.

The Upside:
I kept a human being alive. That's pretty cool.

4. As it turns out, not every mother is really a baby person.

Cute but that doesn't fill a day

I wasn't.  This shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did.  I like conversation.  Babies don't talk much.  I like sleep. Babies don't respect adult sleep patterns much.

The Upside:
Babies aren't babies for long. Babies turn into interesting, bossy little two year olds with opinions about food, what they should wear and the weather. And while they are babies, you can pretty much strap them in/on and go anywhere.



5. Hormones + Being put in charge of a human life + Forever = Stressful


Emotional wrecked.  I, before my first pregnancy, prided myself on being a rational and intelligent being (I have since managed to reclaim some but not all of this former sense).  The following quote pretty much sums it up:

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~Elizabeth Stone

The Upside:
If my heart is walking around, then I am EVERYWHERE!  I always wanted to be everywhere!  This new vulnerability means I'm also a much less judgemental, less selfish, less restless person.  Peaceful, even?? Well, maybe for a moment after the kids are in bed.

5. Change is hard.

Pregnancy, babies and children are a moveable feast.  Anytime I feel I've nailed a routine or understand a phase...there's it goes.

The Upside:
Life is a moveable feast. Better to have more guests at the table.

x

Photo by Thomas

How to Make Friends

Disclaimer: I do not claim to be an expert. I have moved country 4 times and moved cities 11 times. As a former Navy-brat, I am well experienced at finding the good peeps.  The quality of my friends indicates I am doing something right. The following are tried and true!

1. Steel yourself. Not everyone likes cheese.

The Queen, apparently, doesn't like cheese.

I am not everyone's ideal friend and you aren't either. There is going to be some rejection. However, I hearken back to the wise words the Canadian über writer, Margaret Atwood. I believe she was discussing her writing but the sentiment applies. "Not everyone likes cheese." Cheese is creamy deliciousness which goes well with wine. Some people don't like cheese. This does not mean cheese is not a fatty, delicious gift from cows (and dairy farmers).

Margaret Atwood, clearly, loves cheese.

2. It's a numbers game.

Think of friend finding as jeans shopping. Try on EVERY cut. You cannot tell whether they suit you if they are on the rack. Theory friendship and practical application of friendship are entirely separate. So you need to apply a person to you and your life to see how they fit.

No prejudging on clothing, age, make-up, job. You don't know. I have been classic for assuming I can't be friends with girls who wear make-up (because I can't be bothered to). However, now that I'm over 30, most women wear make-up. So I really need to let go of what I think these women may think of me.

Important note: I have always bonded easily with men who wear make-up. David Bowie in the "Labyrinth", anyone?

3. Shared experience.

A coffee date is a lot of pressure. Very popular in N. America but spilling your guts over caffeine to an almost stranger is not how most countries roll. Give yourself something neutral to talk about.

Over the years I have made friends while rowing, at Stitch'n'Bitch, in yoga classes, at netball (worst sporting experience ever), volunteer coaching, shopping, training for a half marathon walk, aqua jogging, carpooling, at Ladies' Tea, gestating, singing (off key) in a choir, at pregnancy yoga (getting knocked up is a solid way to meet new people), running, getting a bikini wax, learning to draw, learning French (speakers of foreign tongues make awesome new friends), taking a tai chi course with old people and taking up Roller Derby (it's amazing how much hitting a bitch bonds you).

Dunedin Derby

I did not love all of these activities. I didn't even like some of them, but that's not the point!

4. Don't wait for an invitation. Create an invitation.

And lots of people are waiting on one.

When I set up my local Stitch'n'Bitch, I invited more than twenty people.  A year later, there is a solid 5 of us who meet once a month. So, do the Maths.  There is less than a quarter hit rate who stuck around. A quality quarter!

I pushed Friday drinks at work for years! It involved a lot of middle aged men and talking about mountain biking (which I have little interest in). I had a great ski house to stay at, garden veggies delivered to my work, people to eat lunch with everyday and a lot of wedding guests.  And these guys have cool kids who are artists, world travellers and fashion designers my age who may, one day, also be my friends.

Open Walking dates. I've done this a few times. Make a weekly starting time and place. Some weeks some people will come, others they won't. Make it a flat track. A standing, no pressure, open invitation is one of the least intimidating opportunities in the social world. And if once in a while you're on your own, at least you can commune with nature for a bit!

There are some exceptionally good places to walk in my adoptive country.

5. Be your own best friend.

My Dad has always said this. A friend once told me she thought this was incredibly sad. I disagree. My Dad is not particularly social but he's content, likeable and has a few quality peeps. It's important that you rate your own company if you expect others to!

Good luck and happy friending!

The Derby-Life Metaphor

I've learned a few things about life from the mighty sport of Roller Derby. I'm a sharing kind of person:



1. Tap into your inner mongrel to protect the people you love

On the track, this is your jammer. In life, this is your partner, your family, your friends; the-rock-solid-been-through-thick-and-thin-friends, not-your-have-a-laugh-over-a-beer friends. That's an important bit, you can't protect everyone in derby or life. Prioritise.

I was taught to be a nice girl. In fact, my mother taught me that being nice and being considerate of others was the single most important quality I could embody as a child.
I agree that this is true most of the time, in most situations, and old habits are hard to break.  However,  I'm never going to be a decent player if I'm worried about the other team liking me. And leaving my team-mates open to be smashed isn't a very nice thing to do. So I'm learning how to not be nice, to hit back- legally, at the right time, and with calculated outcomes.  Never in anger ('cause that ain't nice).

I'm in the pink!

*NB I have a wee theory about derby girls: the hardest hitters have the biggest hearts. I'm trying to grow my heart.

2. Get happy. No one wants to hang out with a downer.

Some days we skate better than others but let us try to cut down on the audio-version of our miserable, self-deprecating inner monologues. Please.  Rumination isn't healthy for anyone.

Next time I hear a girl say, "I'm soooo bad today.", I'm going to tell her to stop criticizing my friend. And hopefully next time I get sent to the penalty box, the cloud of shame will only last the minute that the refs have given me.  Sport and life are punishing enough without you ganging up on yourself.

Let it go and try to have a good time! And if you're not having a good time, try to fake it 'til you make it.

3. Ground compliments reality

Everyone likes to be told that they are awesome but I think it's important to qualify that kind of comment.  To qualify it sets up realistic expectations, realistic egos and proves that the praise isn't just lip-service.

At training the other night, Ana Phylaxis of Dunedin Derby was teaching me how to surge. She swept in front of me, sat on my quad and forced me, seemingly effortlessly, off the track. Then it was my turn.

Phlax is second from the left

I awkwardly veered towards her, kinda got in front of her, made contact and tried to herd her out of bounds. I knew it was nothing like she'd done to me and it would have been insulting/a boldfaced lie if she'd said, "That was great."

She didn't.

Phlax said, "That was alright for a first time, you just gotta get the timing. It took me ages to get the timing.  You'll get there."

Phlax was positive, accurate, trustworthy, forward focused and most importantly, I believed her.

It reminded me of my 7 year old who often says something like, "8 plus 4 is 12. I'm so right. Am I a genius?"

"No," I chose to pop the bubble, "but you're very clever and if you keep practising you might be one day."

It is important that I'm honest, so he trusts my compliments now and in the future.

Derby is bruising me up, giving me a break from parenting, and teaching me how to parent better.

4. Talent = Time Spent

May Maim, Primm Reaper, Rocket Queen

No one expects Freshmeat to be an expert at derby. League Girls just expect some effort and some improvement.   I've been told that I'll probably play 100 games before I even know what's happening on the track (only 94 to go...).  I have made peace with the fact that I'm not very good...yet.

When I was at school, I thought I was good at some subjects and bad at others.  And I was. Somethings are and somethings aren't. Very philosophical but I didn't recognise why.

The key is that I spent a lot more time on some subjects than others.  I read novels, watched movies, aruged with my parents, spent hours talking to my friends on the phone (whoa- showing my age there!).  This time spent on my hobbies all honed my skills for the lucrative subjects of English Literature and undergraduate Psychology.

"Time on skates" is the advice every League Girl will pass on to Freshmeat.  I'm starting to take this pretty seriously.  I put my skates on to make a salad.  I do 20 squats every time I brush my teeth.  I go to training two nights a week and then play around on the court on a Sunday afternoon. I watch youtube clips.  I practice "opening the buffet" on the fence at the park.  Little things but something is better than nothing.

Malcolm Gladwell coined the 10, 000 hours first but here I am finding myself trying to execute it.  Derby is so cool, it has made me a total geek. Top tip: Life is more fun when you're a geek.

5. Ah, the endorphins!

That's it. Life is better with exercise. It alarms me how often I have to rediscover this.

So, a big THANK YOU to the sport of Roller Derby!

Fight.

Fight to enjoy life.

My grandmother is 88. She lives alone. She's still kicking and whenever some person says, "isn't that great?" my Dad is careful to point out that, "she works at it."

 My grandmother is of a generation that didn't pursue happiness as the point of life. Happiness is besides the point.My grandmother lives well; the byproduct of her effort is that she enjoys life. But she works at it.

Enjoying life, like most things, is a choice followed by action. It requires discipline and practice. Enjoying life is not always easy but surely it is a better way to live.I feel there's a growing apathy about life in our culture. It's too hard, and it's nothing like the movies! We underrate the value our life adds to the lives of others. When did opting out of life become an option?How do we fight? Well, based on the life of Audrey Buckingham, this is what I have surmised:

1. Excercise. A walk and a bit of fresh air gives perspective, new sensory experience and most importantly an endorphin kick.

2. Be self indulgent once in a while. Eat an entire batch of fudge in bed while re-reading a good book. Or in AB's case, nurse a glass of rum while reading the Guardian cover to cover.

3. Never turn down an invitation. Socializing is one of life's greatest gifts. Even if you don't want to, say yes and turn up. Even dressing up and venturing out for 5 minutes and going home is better than feeling the "meh" and caving to the apathy and staying home.

4. Eat meals. Even if it's just for one. Sit down.

5. Get a hobby. Do something with zeal, preferably something which connects you to other people to help fuel the passion. AB and my grandfather, before he died, were avid horse riders. They used to dress up in red jackets and chasing hounds who were chasing concentrated fox urine which had been imported from Scotland.  My grandmother had hung up her stirrups but rain or shine, she drives out to follow the hunt on a Saturday and have an after match drink with the people who do what she does.

These things may not be enjoyable at the time but we're playing the long game here and it will help you enjoy life. If you aren't enjoying life, chances are its stopping the people who love you from enjoying too, you selfish bastard.

Optimism for Beginners

Feel the joy of the perky morning people.

Optimism (noun)- the expectation that perhaps the worst will not happen, understanding that Murphy is a name not a law, the belief that good things happen, hopefulness

I will not sell why you should try on optimism.  I will merely offer a suggestion of how to try on optimism if you so choose.

Here's the game plan:

Fake it 'til you make it.  In all situations working with others or yourself, there are 3 go-to phrases. I highly recommend you memorise them or write them on the back of your hand for reference. I once wrote them down and folded them up to put in the front pocket of a high school student's uniform shirt.

If things go well, say this out loud (aloud?) to someone or yourself:

1. Good job.

If things aren't going particularly well, say:

2. That's a shame. Let's try again.

If things have gone quite badly:

3. Ah well, at least nobody died. Let's try again.

If someone has died, this blog post might not be for you.

So to recap the positivity phrases:


1. Good job.
2. That's a shame. Let's try again.
3. Ah well, at least nobody died. Let's try it again.


Say one.  Say all three.  I don't care if you're lying.  Say it anyway.  Commit to trying on optimism for 30 days. It might change how you feel or think.  It should foster positive working relationships.

Some people use cynicism and criticism to demonstrate their intelligence.  I do not. I am not dumb. I am an optimist. I chose to be an optimist. Sometimes, it takes a bit of effort. Eventually, I want to train up my optimism military boot camp style to aspire to Henry Rollins':

Welcome to the team!

Take the victim hat off

Don't be the victim. Even if you are a victim, don't accept to play the role of victim. Or at least, don't be one for long.  While there are some advantages to allowing yourself to be the victim, in the long term there is one indisputable disadvantage:


Helplessness.


Helplessness is a deplorable and harmful quality.  A sense of helplessness is the seed of a lot of bad choices (while simultaneously believing there was no choice).  What was I supposed to... I can't... You made me... Well, that's just how I feel... No... No... No... I didn't mean... It just that always...


Helplessness is not going to help you to get the good stuff out of life.  Not in the slightest (and yes, it is your job to get the goods out of life). When engaged with being the victim, a certain power is relinquished.  The power to change your outcome; change how you choose to react.  And I get that sometimes it is easier to surrender to victim-hood than try to reconcile the mucky world we live in and the darkness of the human heart with our tv and moral expectations of how it should have been. Easier but not a better way to live.


A lot of workplaces are stressful. Many relationships end badly.  People do shitty things. Sometimes people do shitty things to you (more often with a self-involved attempt to meet their own needs and insecurities without considering the unintended consequences rather than malicious intent). The best thing for you to do is to enable an ability to enjoy life again anyway; despite the crap.  In order to do that, you have to decide you don't want to be the victim any more. 


If what has happened to you is so colossally bad you cannot get past it (which is not really what I'm talking about* but fair enough, we know all the 6 o'clock horror stories), then choose what you will be a victim about and when, and don't allow the role to seep into your good relationships or the attitude with which you approach the world. You need to compartmentalise the fuck out of that victim hat.


If a label doesn't make you happy or at least put you on the road to happy, don't wear it.

We have all been victims to varying degrees. We are not all victims. You don't have to be one any more if you don't want to be.

*Reminder: This is advice for only people who want it. And this is the about victims of everyday work politics, irritating neighbours, bad luck, ancient history and parking enforcement officers. I have no qualifications to advise on the serious stuff.

Be There

If it matters, be there.

Do not wish you could be there. Do not lament about time or distance. Do not, for God's sake, say, "I have to work for a living."

If it matters: Be There.

2 minutes watching your kid or your nephew or your friend's kid win a soccer match/win a stupid Principal's Award for picking up crayons/go down a slide is FAR MORE valuable than spending any number of hours wishing you could or regretting that you didn't.

Just a few minutes of real face time and shared experiences overshadows any amount of wishful thinking.

I spent months wishing I could go to a friend's wedding, resigned to the fact I wouldn't be there. Couldn't be there. My husband sensibly got me boozed up on $14 wine and told me to go.

But what about the cost? The kids? What about work?

Go, he said.

I took 7 days unpaid leave. I travelled 31 hours one way. I paid $3000 for the plane ticket and put my family in minor debt. I abandoned my students. I sat in the LA airport reading a Time Magazine article on Attachment Parenting Theory while my 20 month old daughter was in New Zealand.

I got to be there and despite the money, the missing my family, the scratched up rental car, the $250 speeding ticket, I don't regret it for a second.

People are great talkers about life:  I've love to know my nieces better. Mardi Gras would be amazing. My best friend has married an Australian. My kid is playing her first basketball game.  My grandmother's funeral is on Monday. My wife is running her first 10k. My flatmate from university has cancer. My Mom retired from 40 years of nursing last month.  My sister is having a baby in July.

There are some big events in our lives and the lives of the people we love.  Marriages, births, deaths, break ups, illnesses, retirements, divorces.  These are the events when we most need our friends and family. So what is your excuse for not being there?

 I live so far. I don't have the money. I wish there were more hours in the day. I have to work. I have a meeting. My kids need me.  (Do they? Every second of every day? Do they not have a father/auntie/grandma/favourite babysitter? Use your village). 

When all is said and done, more is said than done.  Aren't you sick of listening to yourself?  If it matters, go. Drop your other responsibilities and stop being such a martyr (especially you mothers). Your family, colleagues, social hockey team, coffee group will survive without you for a day or two. In fact, they might benefit from your absence.

Spend your time being where it matters with the people who matter. I guarantee, you'll feel good about it.